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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 28, 2004 16:27:36 GMT -5
this one is a lil tasteless but I'll post it anyway
Father Christmas?
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?
Cause he only comes once a year!
A little boy wrote to Santa ...
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother
Barbie's Christmas Beau
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
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Post by brunneng on Dec 28, 2004 16:29:40 GMT -5
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 28, 2004 16:33:30 GMT -5
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 28, 2004 16:34:15 GMT -5
12- Pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
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Post by brunneng on Dec 28, 2004 16:36:28 GMT -5
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty 1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. 3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 6. Lift your head and spread your legs. 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. 8. Just turn your back and drop it. 9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls. 10. Damn, I missed the hole again. Ahhh, the good old days! When I was 17, it was a very good year... :laughing :laughing :laughing :laughing  ...I can build a castle... |
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Post by Gua on Dec 28, 2004 16:45:50 GMT -5
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Post by brunneng on Dec 28, 2004 16:53:12 GMT -5
12- Pack A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....'' Too true, Weaky! Sad...but true! ;D ...all I need... |
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 29, 2004 11:52:09 GMT -5
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Post by brunneng on Dec 29, 2004 15:49:35 GMT -5
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Jan 3, 2005 19:22:18 GMT -5
Two people were traveling to Disneyland when they came to fork in the road with a sign that said Disneyland left…..so they grumbled….all the way home………  :bonk :bonk |
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Post by keres on Jan 4, 2005 10:44:37 GMT -5
10 Reasons to Date a Hockey Player
1. They always wear protection
2. They have great hands
3. They are used to scoring
4. They have great stamina
5. They find the opening and get it in
6. They never miss the target
7. They know how to use their wood
8. They have long sticks
9.They know when to play rough
10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls.
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Post by keres on Jan 4, 2005 10:50:42 GMT -5
The Geography of Men and Women
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
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Post by keres on Jan 4, 2005 11:06:51 GMT -5
(from the Naked Gun movie)
Frank Drebin: Jane, since I've met you I've noticed things that I never knew were there before; birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
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Post by keres on Jan 4, 2005 11:16:18 GMT -5
;D
Drebin: Where were you when all this happened?
Sally: I was right here at my desk, working.
Drebin: And when was the first time you noticed something was wrong?
Sally: Well, when I first heard the shot... and as I turned, Jim fell.
Lieutenant: He's the teller, Frank.
Drebin: Jim Fell's the teller?
Sally: No, Jim Johnson.
Drebin: Who's Jim Fell?
Lieutenant: He's the auditor, Frank.
Sally: He had the flu, so Jim filled in.
Drebin: Phil who?
Lieutenant: Phil Din...he's the night watchman.
Drebin: Alright, now let me get this straight. Twice came in and shot the teller, and Jim fell.
Sally: No, he only shot the teller Jim Johnson. Fell is ill.
Drebin: OK, then after he shot the teller you shot Twice.
Sally: No, I only shot once.
Lieutenant: Twice is the holdup man.
Sally: Then I guess I did shoot Twice.
Drebin: Oh so now you're changing your story?
Sally: I shot Twice after Jim fell.
Drebin: You shot Twice AND Jim Fell?
Sally: No, Jim fell first, and then I shot Twice once.
Drebin: Who fired twice?
Sally: Once!
Lieutenant: He's the owner of the tire company, Frank.
Drebin: OK...now, Once is the owner of the tire company and he fired Twice. Then Twice shot the teller once.
Sally: Twice.
Drebin: And Jim fell, and then you fired twice.
Sally: Once.
Drebin: OK... alright, that'll be all for now, Miss Decker.
Lieutenant: We'll need you to make a formal statement down at the station.
Sally: Oh, of course.
Drebin: You've been very helpful. We think we know how he did it.
Sally: Oh, Howie couldn't have done it, he hasn't been in for weeks!
Drebin: (pause) ...well.... Thank you again, Miss Decker.
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Post by keres on Jan 4, 2005 11:38:02 GMT -5
Another "scene" from the same series:
Doctor: Mrs Nordberg, I think we can save your husbands arm. Now where would you like it sent?
Wilma: Oh Frank, I'm so glad you came.
Frank: Wilma, it's good to see you. I came as soon as I heard.
Wilma: Oh thank you Frank.
Frank: You Bet.
Frank: Now, wheres Nordberg?
Ed: He's right here Frank.
Frank: Right. Nordberg, it's Me, Frank.
(Nordbergs bed goes haywire when Frank sits on it.)
Frank: Nordberg, it's me Frank, now who did this to you?
Nordberg: I love you.
Frank: I love you too Nordberg. Who were they?
Nordberg: No. Ship. Boat.
Frank: That's right Nordberg, a boat. Now when you're better we'll go sailing together, on a boat, we;ll take a cruise, just like last year.
Nordberg: No..Drugs.
Frank: Hey nurse, quick, get this man some drugs. Can't you see he's in pain? Quickly.
Nordberg: No..Heroin. Heroin Frank.
Frank: Nordberg, that's a pretty tall order. You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.
Wilma: Oh, oh my poor Nordberg. Oh he was such a good man Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Ed: Ahh it's hard to tell.
Frank: Could be a roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover.
Ed: Frank, get a hold of yourself.
Frank: He was a good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlums.
Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
Frank: Well you're right Ed. A parachute not opening, that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine. Having your nuts bit off by a lamplighter, now thats the way I wanna go.
Wilma: Ahhhhh..Oh Frank, this is terrible.
Ed: Don't worry Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: He's right Wilma, But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
Wilma: Ahhhh!
Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back on Police squad.
Frank: Unless he's a drooling vegetable, but I think that's only common sense.
Wilma: Ahhhhh!
Ed: Wilma can you think of any reason why Nordberg was at the waterfront last night?
Wilma: No..but I found this at home in a drawer.
Ed: A photograph. I love you, out of Caracas. A Panamanian ship. Frank, when Nordberg was saying I love you, he was telling you the name of the ship!
Frank: I realize that...now.
Ed: We'd better check this out.
Frank: I want every available man on this.
Ed: I can't spare anybody Frank. You know we're in charge of security for Queen Elizabeth's visit! I'm shorthanded already.
Frank: Wilma, I promise you, whatever scumbag did this, not one man on this force will rest for one minute until he's behind bars. Now lets go grab a bite to eat.
;D
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, keep-um comin' 
.....bad pun 