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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 22, 2004 5:20:34 GMT -5
thanks for expalining that turkey on it was so funny I almost woke up the house laughing :laughing :laughing :laughing
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Post by Gua on Dec 22, 2004 6:59:27 GMT -5
thanks for expalining that turkey on it was so funny I almost woke up the house laughing  No problem...laughter is good for the soul  |
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Post by curet30 on Dec 22, 2004 13:38:57 GMT -5
TRUE STORY
Earlier this year my pastor was preaching and teaching how God takes care of man. He went on to say if God can feed the birds and look after them, aren't we (man) to received better from God.
He then continued with "If you don't believe God feeds the birds, go and park your car underneath that tree across the street from the church and you'll find out in few minutes."
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Post by Gua on Dec 22, 2004 16:55:24 GMT -5
A woman walks into a pharmacy asks the pharmacist for some arsenic poison. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?" She replies, "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me with another woman." The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady. Not even if he is cheating on you with another woman." So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."  |
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Post by brunneng on Dec 22, 2004 21:46:44 GMT -5
TRUE STORYEarlier this year my pastor was preaching and teaching how God takes care of man. He went on to say if God can feed the birds and look after them, aren't we (man) to received better from God. He then continued with "If you don't believe God feeds the birds, go and park your car underneath that tree across the street from the church and you'll find out in few minutes." Good one, pastor!! ;D Birds may be birds but they sh*t like horses! :shocked And, they always manage to hit my car!! :laughing ;D ...standing on the top... |
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Post by Gua on Dec 24, 2004 12:06:02 GMT -5
Pigs is Pigs ( Sorry Porky Pig)
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard,
he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five
male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and
split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and
so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which
to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got
up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was
the only vehicle they had and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass
grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud,
then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he
hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and
proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning the following week until one
morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and
tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon
and one of them is honking the horn."
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 26, 2004 18:46:16 GMT -5
I am not sure if this has been posted already but I just got it in the email....................................................... :oIt's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to
pick up his date, Jerry Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car
and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Jerry Sue's
father answers and invites him in. "Jerry Sue's not ready yet, so
why don't you have a seat ?" he says. That's cool.
Jerry Sue's father asks Harold what they are planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will
probably just go to the malt shop or to a
drive-in-movie. Jerry Sue's father responds, "Why don't you
kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are
doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to
Harold and he says , "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Jerry Sue's father, "We know
Jerry Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all
night if we let her!" Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from
ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for
the evening. A few minutes later, Jerry Sue comes
downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle
shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless wit h anticipation, Harold
escorts his date out the front door while Dad is
saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly
disheveled Jerry Sue rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her and screams at her father:
Daddy! The Twist, it's called the Twist"
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 26, 2004 18:48:52 GMT -5
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 26, 2004 18:49:40 GMT -5
The old farmer was having a very bad year. All of his crops had > been lost. > > Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way > he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman > and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his > pickup with peaches and headed to town. > > Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a > basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. > > A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy > voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?" > > Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really > nice peaches for sale". > > The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So > she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, > "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" > > Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good > peaches." > > So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no > panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like > this?" > > The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh > yes, they're wonderful peaches." > > She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" > > The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato > crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're > gonna screw me out of my peaches."
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 26, 2004 18:50:33 GMT -5
saw this on a card at Walmart Today I had to write it down........Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.
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But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 26, 2004 18:55:19 GMT -5
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." *POOF* The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams. *POOF* The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." *POOF* And he turned into a tampon.
If your government ever offers you anything, you should just know that there's going to be a string attached.
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Post by brunneng on Dec 27, 2004 12:40:19 GMT -5
saw this on a card at Walmart Today I had to write it down........Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt. Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your stress. Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile. - - - - - - - - - But FART!! just ONE time... And everybody knows!! The story of my life!!!!!!! Weaky, you are a lounge favorite...keep it up!! :wtg ...the way you do the things you do... |
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 28, 2004 16:21:15 GMT -5
A few late Christmas jokes
Perfect Man, Perfect Woman
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn''t want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren''t real.
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Dec 28, 2004 16:23:41 GMT -5
and another...............Christmas Songs for Shrinks
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock
Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).
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Post by brunneng on Dec 28, 2004 16:26:27 GMT -5
Too funny Weaky!! :clapping: :clapping: :clapping: :clapping:.. :clapping: :clapping: :clapping: :clapping:... :clapping: :clapping: :clapping: ... :clapping: :clapping: :clapping: :clapping: Keep it up! :wtg ...each day through my window... |
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