Church Announcement

[kim]

A friend of mine sent me this in an email it was courtesy of Rickey Smiley of course.



The Youth Sisters Ministry will be having their 100 Women in Weave March
this Sunday at 4pm. Members are asked to invite a friend. The more weave
the better.

The members of the church are asked to keep Bro. Allen in
your prayers. After singing "Trouble Don't Last Always", he was arrested
for shoplifting. He's now serving the rest of his previous year
sentence.
>
> >I guess his troubles are going to last for 5 years.
>
> >Anyway.......................Sis. Hattie will be selling mud cakes
and mud pies after service today. She wants to apologize to the people
who got sick from her cakes and pies last month. She says that she had
no idea that real mud was not supposed to be used in making the cakes
and pies. The Health Ministry will be giving away Pepto Bismol for all
members who purchase cakes or pies today.
>
Due to the recent slew of bounced checks, a list of names of those
people who cannot write checks to the church is inside your program.
>
Because of the increase in men joining the church because of last week's
announcement, the pastor wanted me to make sure that everyone understood
the announcement. The Men's Ministry will be sponsering a "Sweatshirt
Contest," not a "Wet Shirt Contest." The reason is to choose the new
logo for their sweatshirt. Those men who just joined the church, we want
you to know that your $200 deposit is non-refundable, and has gone
towards the pastor's love.................I mean the church's building
fund.
>
The Pastor wanted the Praise Dancers to know that he has turned down
your request to add the Electric Slide, the Cabbagge Patch, and the Rump
Shaker to your routines during Praise and Worship Service. A side note
to that announcement goes to the men in the congregation. Please do not
throw money or phone numbers at the feet of the Praise Dancers. If
anything you should throw it into the pastor's lov.................I
mean the building fund.
>
> >The Music and Arts Departments are bringing back their popular play:
>
> >"Grandmama Whooped Me During Sunday School." Tickets are going fast.
>
> >After today's service, we will be selling dinner for those of you who
will be staying for the evening service. On the menu is Chicken, Rice,
String Beans and Punch. The cost is $25.00 per person.
>
> >Members are encouraged to pick up Bro Sterling's new cd. It features
the hit song "Why We Bling-Bling". It's a remake of Kirk Franklin's "Why
We Sing".
>
> >Today's announcements are sponsored by Bobby's Bible Bookstore and
BarberShop where his motto is "Buy a book and improve your look."
>
> >by Rickey Smiley

[earthangel]

That Rickey Smiley...

[Ivory Fair]

Saturdays are the ONE day of the week I have to get up early to go to work and listening to "Rev. Trimble's" weekly church announcements on the Doug Banks show is about the only thing that get's me going!

[iratherlikeme]

Because of the increase in men joining the church because of last week's
announcement, the pastor wanted me to make sure that everyone understood
the announcement. The Men's Ministry will be sponsering a "Sweatshirt
Contest," not a "Wet Shirt Contest." The reason is to choose the new
logo for their sweatshirt. Those men who just joined the church, we want
you to know that your $200 deposit is non-refundable, and has gone
towards the pastor's love.................I mean the church's building
fund.
>
The Pastor wanted the Praise Dancers to know that he has turned down
your request to add the Electric Slide, the Cabbagge Patch, and the Rump
Shaker to your routines during Praise and Worship Service. A side note
to that announcement goes to the men in the congregation. Please do not
throw money or phone numbers at the feet of the Praise Dancers. If
anything you should throw it into the pastor's lov.................I
mean the building fund.

OMG... earthangel I second your rolling emoticon. LOL!! ;D

[sukkafu]

you southern folk sure have your regional humor don't you! ;D

i have never heard of ricky smiley. the post is pretty funny, though!

[DramaLJDiva]

LOL!!!!
There was one minister on TV a couple of years ago who read "misunderstood church announcements". Those were very funny!


More church jokes:
Letters to a pastor

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my
sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson
has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete.
Age 9, Phoenix

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he
gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the
plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could
you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age
10, New Haven

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play
bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly,
Annette. Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I
know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your
church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good
health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my
allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am
flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than
sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team.
We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age
10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten
Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough
rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there
may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when
it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad
people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

[Ivory Fair]

Sukka, you might be interested in this.....

This is a Nashville Church of Christ preacher and former weather man who gives comedy/motivational talks to various groups. He's got several tapes he sales that are recordings of his routines that discuss all of the funny things that have happened to him at church over the years.

goldtrap.happytalk.org/

[sukkafu]

THANKS IVE! he looks to be a fun loving Christian!

[Dnice]

I love Miss Bernice's Crank calls on Doug Banks as well!! I even started to look at my caller ID and talk like Miss Bernice!!!

[kim]

Mrs. Bernice was getting crunk with one lady accusing her daughter of messing with Mrs. Bernice's grandaughter it was toooooo funny. I thought that woman was going to kill Mrs. Bernice. ;D

[iratherlikeme]

Does Rickey Smiley do the voice of Mrs. Bernice on Doug Banks?

[kim]

Girl yes! I only listen to Doug Banks to hear the crank call by Rickey Smiley. He really sounds like an old lady.

[iratherlikeme]

Mrs. Bernice was getting crunk with one lady accusing her daughter of messing with Mrs. Bernice's grandaughter it was toooooo funny. I thought that woman was going to kill Mrs. Bernice. ;D

I asked because I think I got this off Kazaa. "Me and my church members gon' do a pray-by. We gon' drive by your house and throw some of them little green Bibles at you."

I think my favorite Mrs. Bernice one was when she called the doughnut shop and asked for a wreath with doughnuts on it to be made, for a funeral.
"Could you make it out of something edible, like some greens or something?"
"Bring it by here, let me look at it, and I'll see what I can do."
"Now I need you to dip the whole wreath in the glaze, and we gon' present that to the speaker."
"I can't do that ma'am, that's unsanitary--"
"Now, listen, I cleans all my greens. My greens ain't nasty, sugar. I use mustards and collards---"

I like when he pulls out the church women hats in his act, too. He had one once; it was black, I think, with two huge silver plate-looking things on the side. He was like, "This woman is a member of the Star Wars Baptist Church."

[Dnice]

I was listenin to one of his calls one mornin at work, with my headphones on. I had to hold in my laughter so I was crying! My boss came over to ask me something, and she goes what's wrong?? As if I was upset!! ;D ;D

[kim]

Dnice said:

I was listenin to one of his calls one mornin at work, with my headphones on. I had to hold in my laughter so I was crying! My boss came over to ask me something, and she goes what's wrong?? As if I was upset!! ;D ;D

What did he say? He can be corny sometimes but he's so corny that you can't help laughing at him. ;D