Let's share a "SMILE" or laugh Today

[keres]

From the first episode of "Police Squad!":

***

Drebin: Where were you when all this happened?
Sally: I was right here at my desk, working.
Drebin: And when was the first time you noticed something was wrong?
Sally: Well, when I first heard the shot... and as I turned, Jim fell.
Lieutenant: He's the teller, Frank.
Drebin: Jim Fell's the teller?
Sally: No, Jim Johnson.
Drebin: Who's Jim Fell?
Lieutenant: He's the auditor, Frank.
Sally: He had the flu, so Jim filled in.
Drebin: Phil who? Lieutenant: Phil Din...he's the night watchman.
Drebin: Alright, now let me get this straight. Twice came in and shot the teller, and Jim fell.
Sally: No, he only shot the teller Jim Johnson. Fell is ill.
Drebin: OK, then after he shot the teller you shot Twice.
Sally: No, I only shot once.
Lieutenant: Twice is the holdup man.
Sally: Then I guess I did shoot Twice.
Drebin: Oh so now you're changing your story?
Sally: I shot Twice after Jim fell.
Drebin: You shot Twice AND Jim Fell?
Sally: No, Jim fell first, and then I shot Twice once. Drebin: Who fired twice?
Sally: Once!
Lieutenant: He's the owner of the tire company, Frank.
Drebin: OK...now, Once is the owner of the tire company and he fired Twice. Then Twice shot the teller once.
Sally: Twice.
Drebin: And Jim fell, and then you fired twice.
Sally: Once.
Drebin: OK... alright, that'll be all for now, Miss Decker.
Lieutenant: We'll need you to make a formal statement down at the station.
Sally: Oh, of course.
Drebin: You've been very helpful. We think we know how he did it.
Sally: Oh, Howie couldn't have done it, he hasn't been in for weeks!
Drebin: (pause) ...well.... Thank you again, Miss Decker.

***
And though I have already seen that episode 100 times, I still can`t stop laughing everytime when I watch it again...

[keres]

Well, this is one cool joke!! ;D


***
A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"

[keres]

LOL! Check this animation, "This is an actual phone call from a very angry internet surfer." :

www.ebaumsworld.com/angryspam.html


That guy doesn`t sound very happy...

[keres]

[keres]

Sorry dear Ivory, I hope you don`t mind me showing a picture of your cat to others:

[keres]

...

[QueTip]

"A good fart passes in the wind" :faint:

[keres]

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

[keres]

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."


---

-In the Oval Office-

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[Peach]

Keres said:

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

What makes this one so funny is it's realistic! When my mom first saw a quiche item on the menu...Quiche Lorraine....she ordered a "Quickie Lorraine." This was back when you rarely saw quiche on the menu....probably late 70s or early 80s...it wasn't a big item yet. ;D ;D Too funny!!!

Peach

[keres]

This is one pretty goofy joke...


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get 10 pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first guy came back and said to the king, "I brought 10 apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second guy arrived and showed the king 10 berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought that it should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was killed.

When the first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!"

;D

[MissTara]

Keres said:

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."


:laughing

:laughing

[MissTara]

Sophisticated people start a fairytale by saying "Once upon a time"
Rednecks start a fairytale by saying "Ya'll aint gonna believe this shit"

[Davidfan]

REDNECK CHRISTMAS:


T'wa the night before chirstmas and all through the shack not a creature was stirring cept the lice on my back, the skoal cans was nailed to the screen door with care in hopes that st.nick soon would be there, The children were nestled all snug in there beds while vision of tractor pulls danced in their heads. with ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake, had just settled in to watch riki lake, when out in the driveway a loud noise I heard I opened the window to check my t-bird, when what to my whiskey blind eyes I should see, but a red chevy S-10 and 8 flying sheep, On roscoe,on vern on elmer and etus, on joe,on john, on oscar and cletus, said a dirver so disgustin' and sick, I said SHOOT FIRE THAT MUST BE ST.NICK! then I heard a loud noise on the roof of my shack, Set down my budweiser and went for the gun rack, then he fell through the roof, plum killed my dog, I swear that old santa looked just like boss hog. He had a black t-shirt, rebel flag on the front, and his pants were all bloody from that mornings hunt, the vains on his neck looked ready to pop, and a scar on his face from a fight with the cops. His eyes were glazed from too much wild turkey from the end of his lips hung a stick of beef jerky.
:laughing


THAT IS ALL I CAN REMEMBER I AM GONNA TRY TO FIND THE OTHER HALF ONLINE ... I'LL POST IT WHEN I GET IT ;D

[Davidfan]

I did find this one:

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung
by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
a foul stench in the air.

From out in the yard
There came such a noise
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12;
Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10;
Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns;
They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."

Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.

They all looked around,
and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"

Bubba just stared;
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof,
Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know;
They was about to start shootin'!

They aimed their shotguns
and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name.

"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
and Sam and old Joe!"

"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"

The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.

From up on the roof
Santa heaved a great sigh.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.

He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:

"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."

But Maw was OK,
And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer;
It looked good as new.

And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish
A Merry Christmas to you!