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Post by Weak4Weeks on Jan 7, 2005 13:14:46 GMT -5
hey someone emailed these to me thought I would share them with y'all
New Words
Each year, the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a-hole.
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Jan 7, 2005 13:23:16 GMT -5
10 Ways to Annoy Cops
1. Say, "Shoot, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"
2. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."
3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.
4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
6. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
8. When he asks you to walk the line, "River dance" instead.
9. Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.
10. When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold my beer for a sec?"
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Jan 7, 2005 13:35:01 GMT -5
Country Politics
A busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
((((((((HA ha...that was a mess))))))))
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Jan 7, 2005 13:35:52 GMT -5
((((((a little corny))))))
Takeout Small Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Jan 7, 2005 13:37:11 GMT -5
Don't Leave 'Em Hanging
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
:laughing :laughing :laughing
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Post by MissTara on Jan 7, 2005 13:39:33 GMT -5
Whats the difference between a sophisticated northern fairytale and a good ole southern fairytale?
Northerns always begins "Once upon a time"
Southern'ers always begins "Ya'll aint gonna believe this sh*t"
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Post by keres on Jan 7, 2005 13:42:31 GMT -5
Don't Leave 'Em Hanging Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"  Good one! :laughing |
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Post by keres on Jan 7, 2005 13:44:34 GMT -5
Whats the difference between a sophisticated northern fairytale and a good ole southern fairytale? Northerns always begins "Once upon a time" Southern'ers always begins "Ya'll aint gonna believe this sh*t" Northerns way is better.... |
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Jan 7, 2005 13:48:24 GMT -5
Northerns way is better.... I agree  |
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Jan 7, 2005 13:49:09 GMT -5
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Post by keres on Jan 7, 2005 13:54:38 GMT -5
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." ;D;D |
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Post by keres on Jan 7, 2005 13:57:09 GMT -5
Quality Craftsmanship Guy on Ground: Dude do you think that thing is safe? Ladder Man: Safe? Man, I built this thing with my own two hands of course it’s safe! Now toss me up a Philips head!
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Jan 7, 2005 14:02:27 GMT -5
Quality CraftsmanshipGuy on Ground: Dude do you think that thing is safe? Ladder Man: Safe? Man, I built this thing with my own two hands of course it’s safe! Now toss me up a Philips head! :laughing :laughing :laughing |
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Post by brunneng on Jan 7, 2005 19:59:15 GMT -5
Northerns way is better.... Depends if the joke is fresh or if it smells!  ...my girl... |
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Post by Weak4Weeks on Jan 8, 2005 22:52:56 GMT -5
Famous People Say the Darndest Things
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch." Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer
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