Jokes for Men and Women

[Elvis84]

For men:

I married Miss Right ... I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months...I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? " And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[Elvis84]

For women:

The Men's Dictionary ...

"I can't find it." - REALLY MEANS: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work." - REALLY MEANS: "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" - REALLY MEANS: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing." - REALLY MEANS: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" - REALLY MEANS: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain." - REALLY MEANS: "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." - REALLY MEANS: "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." - REALLY MEANS: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." - REALLY MEANS: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." - REALLY MEANS: "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." - REALLY MEANS: "I forgot our anniversary again."

"It's really a good movie." - REALLY MEANS: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars and naked women."

"You know how bad my memory is." - REALLY MEANS: " I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the VIN of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." - REALLY MEANS: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal." - REALLY MEANS: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." - REALLY MEANS: "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing." - REALLY MEANS: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"What did I do this time?" - REALLY MEANS: "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you." - REALLY MEANS: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit." - REALLY MEANS: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." - REALLY MEANS: "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."

"I missed you." - REALLY MEANS: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." - REALLY MEANS: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"This relationship is getting too serious." - REALLY MEANS: "I like you as much as I like my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." - REALLY MEANS: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.
***
There`s a lot of truth in there, no matter what the other guys will say!

Will post more later on...

[Elvis84]

Looks like i have some kind of odd sense of humour that no one else seems to appreciate...
Why isn`t here no replies, so i could know did you like it or not?
Half of the visits to this thread are by me!!

Won`t post anything "funny" from now on!

[lilly]

I think they are funny (and have an element of truth)! Keep them coming.

[Dnice]

Those were pretty good.

[Elvis84]

Alright then...

For men:

You all know, in the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man.

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez..." and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

[Elvis84]

...and for women:

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an old lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.


The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So....what will it be?"


The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."


The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Get real lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD! Make another wish."


The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is GOOD in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all time and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."


The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map!"

[iratherlikeme]

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map!"

:laughing:

[tdallasw]

Elvis84 - I LOVE it!! Hilarious!!

[2Sweet]

Keep 'em coming, these are great!

[Elvis84]

for men:


Why dogs are better than Women

If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your motel room free of charge.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

People think fat dogs are cute.

A dog will let you put a studded leather collar on it without calling you a pervert.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad ... they just find it interesting.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs do not hate their bodies.

No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs agree; to get your point across, you have to raise your voice.

Dogs like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, rather than in your wallet or desk

Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman Marcus.

If a dog leaves you, it won't try to take half your stuff.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs like to go hunting.

Another man will seldom steal your dog.

If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you at the same time.

A dog will not wake you up at night and ask you, "If l died, would you get another dog?"

:laughing:

[Elvis84]

...and for Women:


One liners only Women would appreciate . . .

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

So many men, so few who can afford me.

God made us sisters, prozac made us friends.

Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.

Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun. (Personal favorite ! !!!)

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Do not start with me. you will not win.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

...

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

***
Advice From Women To Men

The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.

Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance – in fact -- please do !!!

When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-shirt will last longer that way.

If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

Don't insist that we "get off the phone" and then not talk to us.

Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

[tdallasw]

Subject: A thinking woman's story
>
Dedicated to those women who enjoy a good read.
>
>
>A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
>husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
>
>One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
>to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
>
>She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
>
>Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside
>the
>woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am, What are you doing?"
>
>"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")
>
>"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
>
>"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
>
>"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write
>you
>up."
>
>"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
>woman."
>
>"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer.
>
>"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
>
>The Officer says, "Have a nice day."
>
>MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Elvis84]

for guys:


Adam's rib

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. God asked Adam what was wrong. Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God decided he would give him a companion and it would be a woman. God told Adam that the woman would cook for him, wash his clothes, and always agree with every decision he made. She would bear his children and never ask him to getup in the middle of the night to take care of them. She would not nag him and would always be the first to admit she was wrong during a disagreement. She would never have a headache, and would freely give him love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God what a woman like this would cost him. God told him, "An arm and a leg." Adam replied, "what can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.......

[Elvis84]

... and for....

How man was really created

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But ... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.

He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

You know, woman to woman."